H3dgehog's Rimless SPS - Giant Flatform!

[jack1978]

Personal Life Stuff...

 

Would like to garner the wisdom of those here on this forum, who may or may not have been in a situation similar to what I am going through…

 

I have been dating the same girl I met back in high school. While the earlier and more immature part of our relationship was a bit rocky, we pushed through and even overcame 4 years of long distance through college. I can honestly say that she is my best friend and someone I can see myself with in the long run. That sounds great and all but here’s where things get messy…

 

I was able to start my career in a very lucrative business while my girlfriend wasn’t able to find anything. This resulting in her moving in and living with me for close to a year. Our relationship was tested during that time but we eventually found our “groove”. Fast forward, she finally said enough is enough and moved to a different state/city to pursue her career goals (her ambition is part of what I find attractive in her). So she left our comfy life together and went off on her own; I supported her along the way.

 

Now she has a job and got her “foot in the door” in a career she has always wanted to do. This career she has been pursuing is very locational; in other words, 95% of jobs related to her field are located in this one city. Another important note is that her career pays decently but is cyclical/temporary (e.g. 4-6 month gigs).

 

Given that she is being pigeon holed in a single city due to her career selection, it seems like I have to make the move to said city. While there are jobs related to what I do in that city, the odds are against me. If her career forced her to be on the west coast, mine would push me to the east coast. So here is what I’m dealing with right now…

 

• Over time, my job certainty at my current company is being reduced. There is a good chance I will have to make a move in 6-12 moths.
• While there are plenty of generic jobs to apply for in my girlfriend’s city, most of those jobs would essentially mean a significant pay cut and derailing my lucrative career.
• There are other jobs in other cities that makes the most sense for me. Similar type of work, promotion, lucrative pay.

So what would you guys do in my situation? Wait till I find the perfect job in my girlfriend’s city? Take a new/better job in a different city? Take a pay cut and derail my career by accepting a generic job in my girlfriend’s city? These are very specific questions but if I had to boil it down to a generic one, it’d be… for those in serious relationships or already married, how did you decide which person in the relationship would make the career move to satisfy geographical preferences?

Follow your career path that puts you where you want to be. If you quite your job to take some BS position with a crappy company you will always have that "what if" in your head.

Your girlfriend moved away from you to get where she wants to be....why would you sacrifice your goals to be in her city?

She seems pretty determined to do what it takes to make it to where she wants to be. Would she gain or loose respect for you if you followed her like a puppy dog?

[xAyanex]

Sweet tank!

 

What is her career, out of curiosity? And what is your career? If you don't mind me asking.

 

Without knowing anything, it sounds like you need to decide which is stronger right now-your relationship or your job. For example, is your relationship going to fall apart long-distance if you take a new/better job in a different city, and you can only visit each other every so often? If so, maybe you should consider getting a generic job while you wait for a better one in her city. Otherwise, it would of course be better for your career and bank account to get a good job in your own city. It would also be better to get a better job in your own city especially if you have little experience-otherwise when job does open up in her city, you might not even get it.

 

I've never experienced anything geographically like this. I briefly looked into going to school to be an astrophysicist, but decided against it. However, at the time, my boyfriend was more than willing to move wherever I wanted (since Indiana isn't the best place to see the stars). He is a driver, and can get a job just about anywhere making good money, so it's not a good comparison.

 

However, we did work separate shifts. He worked first shift and I worked second shift. We literally only saw each other like twice a week, and it wasn't working for us. We both had great jobs that paid ~the same $30/hourish. The only difference was his job was seasonal and mine was a year-round guaranteed 40 hrs/week plus as much overtime as I wanted. So, when we finally reached our breaking point, we decided he would quit his job and get a generic second shift job (as a dish washer). Money-wise we were fine because we're very good at budgeting and saving and I make plenty to support us. Another reason I stayed at my job is because he has many years of experience in his field, so he can get any job any time. I only had 1 year of experience, so I really needed to continue working in my field to make it easier to get any job for myself later on.

 

Now there are finally opportunities opening up for me to go to first shift, so he has gotten a first shift job and started this week. He is so happy and we love the way things turned out. Having less money but getting to see each other was worth it for us, because it was less stressful that way. This really only worked out for us because we don't live beyond our means.

 

I don't know if this was helpful or not. Hope it was!

[h3dgehog]

Sweet tank!

 

What is her career, out of curiosity? And what is your career? If you don't mind me asking.

 

Without knowing anything, it sounds like you need to decide which is stronger right now-your relationship or your job. For example, is your relationship going to fall apart long-distance if you take a new/better job in a different city, and you can only visit each other every so often? If so, maybe you should consider getting a generic job while you wait for a better one in her city. Otherwise, it would of course be better for your career and bank account to get a good job in your own city. It would also be better to get a better job in your own city especially if you have little experience-otherwise when job does open up in her city, you might not even get it.

 

I've never experienced anything geographically like this. I briefly looked into going to school to be an astrophysicist, but decided against it. However, at the time, my boyfriend was more than willing to move wherever I wanted (since Indiana isn't the best place to see the stars). He is a driver, and can get a job just about anywhere making good money, so it's not a good comparison.

 

However, we did work separate shifts. He worked first shift and I worked second shift. We literally only saw each other like twice a week, and it wasn't working for us. We both had great jobs that paid ~the same $30/hourish. The only difference was his job was seasonal and mine was a year-round guaranteed 40 hrs/week plus as much overtime as I wanted. So, when we finally reached our breaking point, we decided he would quit his job and get a generic second shift job (as a dish washer). Money-wise we were fine because we're very good at budgeting and saving and I make plenty to support us. Another reason I stayed at my job is because he has many years of experience in his field, so he can get any job any time. I only had 1 year of experience, so I really needed to continue working in my field to make it easier to get any job for myself later on.

 

Now there are finally opportunities opening up for me to go to first shift, so he has gotten a first shift job and started this week. He is so happy and we love the way things turned out. Having less money but getting to see each other was worth it for us, because it was less stressful that way. This really only worked out for us because we don't live beyond our means.

 

I don't know if this was helpful or not. Hope it was!

 

She is in animation; she is even pickier and wants to do animation-type work for feature films (e.g. Disney, Pixar, etc). This is why her job is unstable. They typically hire for shows/films and not a year-round position. I on the other hand work in "finance", which is much more stable and I probably make 2x what she brings in. If I were to move to her city and accepted a sub-par job, then our total income might be equivalent to what I make on my own currently. As a long-term planner and assuming we have kids, it probably makes more sense for one person to make $x/yr and one person free at home than for two people to make the same amount and hire a nanny of sorts.

 

She's really committed to her career dreams since she's worked at it since middle school really while my career was the result of me working hard for just 2-3 years. So she obviously has more personally vested in her job than me. My mentality is that as long as we both make enough money to have a fun life, than I'm down. I am not one to push the whole "woman stays at home" idea. I honestly would love to be a stay at home dad if she made a lot of money.

 

I've been putting this off till now. I recently got contacted by headhunters and one of them has some jobs for me on the complete opposite coast making 3x what my girlfriend makes now. This is what's causing a headache. I am getting ahead of myself here but it's something I'll have to think about eventually. I don't want to make my girlfriend feel like she has to give up her career to be with me just because I make more money because life is really more than money; I am sure there is personal gratification for my gf in doing a job she wants no matter how much money she makes.

 

On a side note, if I were to accept a better paying job further away from her, would it be fair to pop "the" question? I honestly am ready and have been putting it off till we move back in together, but if a new job means more long distance, I don't know. At the same time, I do not want to give off the impression that it would be an ultimatum (definitely not what I'm trying to go for).

[markalot]

Hedgehog,

 

If you love her follow her, if the career is more important do that.

 

Without knowing to much I would ask myself some harsh questions. Just ignore the bits that don't apply.

 

1. Do I have a college degree and is this really a career or instead am I talking good jobs, good paying jobs, but not really a career?

 

2. Am I sure she wants me to follow her, or will I end up moving and then have to face the music.

 

3. Do I have the personality that will allow the female in my life to make more and have a better career than me?

 

4. Am I old enough to really be worrying about this?

 

Generally, for advice, you want to stick to people with similar experiences to you. The best advice is for you to decide for yourself, and not take others advice.

Oh, artist. :|

 

Well, the sex is probably great but yea, tough call. (it's a joke!) Do you really need to make top dollar?

 

I'm done, can't really offer good advice anyway, but hopefully something to think about.

[xAyanex]

What a difficult scenario! Animation in Disney is big-I've seen a lot of documentaries on it. I don't know anything about job availability in finance. markalot brings up a couple good points-can she see herself retiring there? Can you see yourself retiring in finance? Or are these just stepping stones?

 

it's really a matter of what you want to do. No one will be able to make that decision but you. And in terms of a proposal, again that's totally for you to decide.

[h3dgehog]

Hedgehog,

 

If you love her follow her, if the career is more important do that.

 

Without knowing to much I would ask myself some harsh questions. Just ignore the bits that don't apply.

 

1. Do I have a college degree and is this really a career or instead am I talking good jobs, good paying jobs, but not really a career?

 

2. Am I sure she wants me to follow her, or will I end up moving and then have to face the music.

 

3. Do I have the personality that will allow the female in my life to make more and have a better career than me?

 

4. Am I old enough to really be worrying about this?

 

Generally, for advice, you want to stick to people with similar experiences to you. The best advice is for you to decide for yourself, and not take others advice.

 

thanks for your input! I'll answer these for your benefit and in hope that it will better inform people on what their advice would be.

 

1. I do have a degree and I am in a career vs a job. My career path is very structured and has cleared steps for progression. Moving to her city is do-able but more difficult. the hard decision is the time component. If I had all the time in the world, I'd stay at my current job until something "right" opened up in her city. But with a time constraint, the odds are against me and the probability of having to get a better job I a city further away is definitely possible.

2. I would say we are both very serious about our relationship. Having been together for 5+ years, lived together for close to a year, traveled together, close to each others' family, it kind of makes sense.

3. I am definitely not one of those people that push the idea of "woman stays at home" I would like to think of myself as a simple guy. As long as the bottom line is enough to sustain a good life, I don't care where it's from. If she makes it rain $$$, I am totally down being a stay at home dad type of person.

4. Good question. The nuance is that we are not at the age where we have the luxury of not having to worry about hurrying to "settle down". Not to mention that despite her less-paying job, she has a big enough nest egg to push things off financially.

 

Do people really make these decisions based on money alone or is there a more human aspect to this all? Just trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

[xAyanex]

 

 

Do people really make these decisions based on money alone or is there a more human aspect to this all? Just trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

Depends on the person. To me, emotion is a big factor. To someone else, it may not factor in all that much.

[h3dgehog]

What a difficult scenario! Animation in Disney is big-I've seen a lot of documentaries on it. I don't know anything about job availability in finance. markalot brings up a couple good points-can she see herself retiring there? Can you see yourself retiring in finance? Or are these just stepping stones?

 

it's really a matter of what you want to do. No one will be able to make that decision but you. And in terms of a proposal, again that's totally for you to decide.

 

working in animation at Disney is very difficult since 1 in a billion make it there. More luck than just skills based in my opinion. I don't think you make all that much either. Not to mention that she doesn't do 3-D animation and more 2D design. I am not committed to finance. I just do my job because I find it enjoyable and it is lucrative. I'm a fairly simple guy. as long as we make enough money to support a family with a decent life, I don't care what we do; girlfriend is quite the opposite. She is more passion driven by her personal passion for animation. Again, this might make sense since she came from money (has a big enough personal nest egg) while I did not grow up with money.

 

In the woman's shoe, would a proposal in a situation where I move even further away for a better paying job be a sign of commitment or more of an ultimatum? I know I'm ready, I just don't want it to be seen in the wrong light.

[adinsxq]

get married

[markalot]

 

 

Do people really make these decisions based on money alone or is there a more human aspect to this all? Just trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

 

 

Well, again, it depends on your experiences. I have never made a life decision based on money, my decisions are always base don happiness. Being poor doesn't sound like ti would make me happy so of course money is always involved to some extent but the primary driver should be happiness.

 

I doubt she would be happy if denied the ability to pursue her dreams. Creators want to create.

[driftsaru]

looking back at my own long term relationship that extended past high school, I'm glad we went our own ways. Many girls have come and gone, in the end I followed my heart and took care of myself. This led to me now being married to an awesome woman and my two year old boy(I'm in my 30s now). When I look back, I just think of it as stepping stones that led me to my current situation.

 

A lot can change in 5-10 years.

[GunslingerGirl]

HI lovely tank!

 

I jumped in here to give you my two cents on the relationship thing.

 

So my fiance and I have been engaged now for a few years (3) and we have been through very similar things. He a journalist and I'm still in school (graduate veterinary medicine).

 

We went to different undergraduate colleges for 4 years and I maybe saw him once every two months? Sometimes more if he came to see me at school.

 

This year he had to make a similar decision, albeit it was a bit easier for him. Being that my college is in a large city, there was pressure for my fiance to find a good journalism job, but the market is over-saturated with journalism majors. So job security is pretty much nonexistent. If he writes one bad article it's the can.

 

BUT he and I both get to do what we want to do. In 4-8 years he has to make the choice on whether or not to follow me to where I can get a job....because we won't be able to stay in the city and I want to move back home to be with my family who are older. He has already said we would compromise and live halfway in between and I told him that it would probably be best if I lived nearby (emergencies do happen). He has said that if it came down to me or the job he would be fine with commuting an hour.

 

So in your situation, I think you have to weigh how important this girl is to you. I don't think it's fair for either party in a relationship to ever sacrifice their passions. So if I was you, I would maybe move to the city, especially if you'll make what you already do. The two incomes should offset the city living prices.

 

I wouldn't rush into a proposal or marriage if you both aren't ready for it. Let nature take it's course on that one.

 

I think the fact that you are considering all this really speaks volumes about how much you love this girl btw.

[Kellie in CA]

4. Good question. The nuance is that we are not at the age where we have the luxury of not having to worry about hurrying to "settle down". Not to mention that despite her less-paying job, she has a big enough nest egg to push things off financially.

 

I think age is an important part of this equation. But people seem to have vastly different ideas about when a person should "settle down". For some, 25 would be considered old to be unmarried. I was just shy of 38 when I had my daughter last year. To many, that would be considered crazy old, here in CA among my friends it totally the norm.

 

If you both have careers that are very important to you, focus on that right now.

[Tamberav]

If you make enough money, you can cross that great distance using a plane frequently. If you can make enough to do that, you can probably make it work, no? If she has breaks between contracts, she could come stay with you for longer periods. This way you both are pursuing your goals. If that is possible, that is what I would do.

 

Otherwise I think it comes down to what is more important, job or your gf. Only you know that.

 

I based my job around my husbands goals but my situation is different because his future job makes a good money and is very stable so it made sense. I picked up Nursing as a career because I knew I could get a job anywhere in that field no matter where I had to move to to follow him. I figure I will pursue my personal goals after his is finished so in the end, we both win. It will just take me a bit longer to get there.

[h3dgehog]

HI lovely tank!

 

I jumped in here to give you my two cents on the relationship thing.

 

So my fiance and I have been engaged now for a few years (3) and we have been through very similar things. He a journalist and I'm still in school (graduate veterinary medicine).

 

We went to different undergraduate colleges for 4 years and I maybe saw him once every two months? Sometimes more if he came to see me at school.

 

This year he had to make a similar decision, albeit it was a bit easier for him. Being that my college is in a large city, there was pressure for my fiance to find a good journalism job, but the market is over-saturated with journalism majors. So job security is pretty much nonexistent. If he writes one bad article it's the can.

 

BUT he and I both get to do what we want to do. In 4-8 years he has to make the choice on whether or not to follow me to where I can get a job....because we won't be able to stay in the city and I want to move back home to be with my family who are older. He has already said we would compromise and live halfway in between and I told him that it would probably be best if I lived nearby (emergencies do happen). He has said that if it came down to me or the job he would be fine with commuting an hour.

 

So in your situation, I think you have to weigh how important this girl is to you. I don't think it's fair for either party in a relationship to ever sacrifice their passions. So if I was you, I would maybe move to the city, especially if you'll make what you already do. The two incomes should offset the city living prices.

 

I wouldn't rush into a proposal or marriage if you both aren't ready for it. Let nature take it's course on that one.

 

I think the fact that you are considering all this really speaks volumes about how much you love this girl btw.

 

 

Thanks! My tank has been suffering a little but that's really on me. this whole ordeal has sucked our the energy out of me lately! your input has been really helpful.

 

I am more than committed to this relationship and I would venture to say that my girlfriend is too. I really don't look at her leaving for a job as a red flag given that she's young, hasn't had a job in her field till now. I honestly pushed her to go out the new city without a job, network and get her foot in the door (that's how I got mine).

 

Yeah if I had the time to be patient and find a job that is as good as what I have now in her city, it's be easy. But given some uncertainty in my current job, I'm more time constrained that I'd like. another nuance is that my career is set up such that finding a new/similar job is done based on formal recruiting timelines (if you miss the boat, you wait a year unless lucky and there's an ad hoc opening). This season is coming up and why a few head hunters have pinged me for new/better paying jobs in a city further away. The dilemma is frustrating to deal with really.

 

My girlfriend claims that she doesn't know if she can do more long distance, given that we've done with for 4+ years so we will see. I guess if she makes that decision, it's really her decision on where I stand amongst 1) her career, 2) me, or 3) long distance.

[Sancho]

Wow just read this. I am a grumpy old man and take my advice with a grain of salt. I have been there done that. From what I can gather your maybe 24. Had I married the gal I was with for 5 years out of High School I would be an even more grumpy old man. Turns out she is a nut case. Didnt see that when I was 22. I hate to be the guy that says Unicorns and Mermaids don't exist....but they dont. You have been with her for 5 years and if there is no ring, date or plans for a future together you really have nothing but convenient sex...which by the way will be much more readily available to her in Hollywood than it will be for you. (Unless of course you look like Channing Tatum or have gazillions of dollars or both, but that is also a unicorn scenario) From what you said about her cash situation her current ambitions almost seems like its a hobby rather than pursuing a career. But I could be wrong I am a your glass is empty type of guy. Not full, not half full.....its empty till you fill it up. If she is truly talented in that field she can work from anywhere. Its not all about money but you need to focus on what will be good for your future. If you move to the west coast to be with her take a sub par job and it doesn't work you will resent her and probably all women for the rest of your life...........I really hate to say this as I have been though it myself and it sucks giant balls and hurts super bad.....Dude she has moved on let her go. Pursue your career, buy a yacht when your 30 after her cash train runs out and she realizes Pixar isnt gonna pay her millions of dollars a year she might make for good help on your yacht.

 

Seriously if I could get in the Delorean and go back 20 years I would beat the shit out of myself for the stupid ass shit I did cause I thought I was in Love.

[xcom]

It is a tough field that your gf is in especially she only does 2D animation. I have friends that work at those animation studios and like you said 1 in a billion. It will take time to really build a sustainable path. You sound like a "left-brain" type of guy, here are my thoughts on possible outcomes:

 

1. If you move to the the west coast, your girl friend will have: a. an ideal career path, b. money to fall back (whether from you or her parents), c. you; You will have: a. her and won't have: b. an ideal job, c. enough money. (100/33.3)

 

2. If you guys break up, your girl friend will have: a. an ideal career path, b. money (herself, parents) and won't have c. you; You will have a. ideal job, b. great money, and won't have c. her (50/50)

 

It is great that she is pursuing her passion. What about you? I sense that money is really what make you happy and comfortable (from where you came from), and the conversation seems to circle back to it. There are 2 types of reactions: Gut and Calculated. If it was gut-reaction, you would have moved already. If you are still debating about it, she might not be the one. Honestly, if things are not meant to be, don't sweat it.

 

I'm not a professional advise giver, please take it with precautions tho..

[h3dgehog]

Before I start on my update, I want to thank all of those who have given me advice and encouragement on my personal life (e.g. relationship). Everything is well and better than ever; while my SO is still far apart, we are going strong and both have intentions of making things work.

 

Now that I got that over with, onto the updates! A lot of my sps corals have grown a lot and the tank have been through some serious ups and downs over the past several months... I've have a few fish jump on me and my prized sunburst anthias didn't make it as a result of being too shy. The bright metal halide light and strong flow for my sps was not the best environment for him.

 

The dwindling of my fish count caused some issues with ultra low nutrients. Low bio levels combined with awesome live rock from TBS meant that my biological filter was TOO efficient. So I started to add a few more fish to keep the bio load at a good level. When I thought I hit the sweet spot, I accidentally disconnected one of my dosing lines and all dosing chemicals dumped into the sump overnight (dosing container was at display tank level so there was a natural siphon.

 

I came out of these disasters with little die off; actually ZERO die off, which is a miracle really... The only thing that is struggle is my green slimer due to high PAR. To help it out, I relocated it, dosed stump remover to increase my nitrates through a controlled method and started to does KZ products to help the tank combat the constant ultra low nutrients.

 

When people told me that reefing is like a journey of up, down and many learning experiences, I thought I could avoid all the downs by reading everything and being "book-smart"... Man was I wrong... Anyways, here are some pictures for you all!

 

The rimless look of Elos never gets old...

 

The new stars of the tank

 

 

 

Quick full tank shot (still re-arranging stuff)

 

Now the corals!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My next steps in reef keeping is to burn in my new ATI Powermodule, have a custom metal fabrication made for hanging the light and get more color from my SPS!

 

[h3dgehog]

My anthias decided to go from peaceful inhabitants to aggressive lil buggers. I'll be taking them out in exchange for a another SINGLE fish.

 

Anyone have any recommendations on a single beautiful fish that I should add to the tank? Would like a showcasing fish; money isn't a concern unless we are talking about thousands of $$$s...

[h3dgehog]

Was feeling inspired and did some late night maintenance that led to an accidental over dose of alkalinity that spiked it from ~7.2 dKh to 12.5 dKh... I tried to manually increase calcium to 425 and instead dosed a bunch of alkalinity mix from ESV... they really should re-label their products so its more apparent which bottle is which (especially for people like me haha)

 

When I did my calculated dose and realized the bottle was alk not calcium, this was literally my reaction:

 

 

Local reefer that was awake at this crazy hour gave me some fresh RODI so that I could make some NSW and do small water changes to slowly bring this thing down...

 

What a disaster... So much stress >_>

[Newstead]

Sounds like something I would do - how are your corals and fish today?

[h3dgehog]

Sounds like something I would do - how are your corals and fish today?

 

It's been ~ 10 hours since the overdose and all my corals have crazy polyp extension. One or two of this one Milli's branch looks more white than usual. Can't tell it it was burnt by the alk or went through phenomenal growth in the past few hours since i dosed a lot of alk and calcium... MY mag was pretty high as it was to support calcification of that level I suppose~

 

Through the course of the night, the alk dropped to ~11.75-12dKh and I did a small 5% water change with salt that has ~7.7-9.0 dKh so I'm hoping to drop the alk back to normal within 24 hours. Maybe I'll let it settle at a higher number like 8-8.5

 

Still praying that nothing dies!

[Newstead]

Fingers crossed!

[markalot]

It may be too late now but if you catch a KH spike quickly the best plan is to actually get it back down quickly (quick being rare in this hobby) and then dim / raise / cut the light cycle and let things relax for a few days. Keep an eye on KH after you lower it because usage will most likely drop as well.

[h3dgehog]

It may be too late now but if you catch a KH spike quickly the best plan is to actually get it back down quickly (quick being rare in this hobby) and then dim / raise / cut the light cycle and let things relax for a few days. Keep an eye on KH after you lower it because usage will most likely drop as well.

 

 

I actually realized I messed up maybe 5 minutes after I finished the wrong dose...

 

Before the dose it was at ~7.2 and then after the dose it was at ~12.5 (~ midnight)

 

By 3:00am alk dropped to 12 dKh naturally somehow.

 

By 8:00am after my first small water change, it dropped to 10.5 dKh.

 

Did another small water change an hour ago so I'm hoping to drop it down to at least 9 dKh and let it naturally settle thereafter.

 

So far no deaths or changes in physical appearance of the acros.