nellups, I know this is probably way late of an answer but you could always try and catch your Pom if you see it pick up Aip and just confiscate it from her.
So I wanted to add in my 2 cents here. Or more like $1.02

because I feel I have too gained experience from the caring of these beautiful creatures.
My take on selection and lifespan:
Lifespan: Most Poms live under 6 years (if housed in an aquarium containing lots of competition) in fact most live under 2 years due to higher competition, which is why it is recommended for smaller aquariums to boost it's chance or survival.
*personal story* My first Pom was a TRUE boxer and fighter

she lived to be 4 years (under my care, and she was mid sized when I purchased her which meant she was at least 4-6 months old) and this was quite a feat due to the fact that I introduced her into a 46gal bowfront that was pre-stocked with a full CUC and various larger animals that could have attacker her but did NOT. I had a Tiger Pistol/YWG combo and they never posed a problem to my Pom, I had a porcelain crab with anemone and the porcelain never left his anemone so no problem there. I had a Valentini Puffer and he did not bother my Pom. A few other creatures were present and when I downgraded from a 46 to a 30 my Pom survived. 4 years. More info to come
Pom Pom Selection: and as far as selection goes. Purchase from a reputable LFS with either both original Anemones , or purchase one with a single anemone to introduce into your aquarium. IF you decide to purchase a pom with 1 of it's original anemones, then make sure the your house aquarium contains NO AIPTASIA and also make sure the LFS you purchase from is relatively aiptasia free OR is housing their inverts in Aiptasia free containers (this lessens the chances your lil guy will pick up aiptasia in liu of a missing anemone) another crucial detail which you may not consider is, IF you want to have your Pom for years to come select SMALLER crabs with both anemones. Reason for this is that IF you purchase the largest Pom due to wanting to increase it's chance of survival in your tank you may be selecting one with a shorter lifespan. Since Pom Pom crabs only live so long, why not purchase one who will grow with your tank and live longer than that other BIGGER crab?
Male or Female? IMO I have found male poms to be slightly more aggressive than females, however the aggressive tendencies may turn out if the crab had been previously bullied. Be aware that female crabs WILL go into reproduction cycles (and that means eggs) just because your crab has/OR you select a Pom Pom crab with eggs does not mean they are fertile eggs... all it means is she is a female AND she had her menses (hahaha) Sorry, I'm a girl too. Just as many people in this thread have explained, check the lower abdomen of your Pom to sex them, females have a bigger belly plate than males do.
Molting this is the most dangerous time for any invert of this type. It is important to provide your Pom with plenty of hiding space in your tank/rock work (if you have any animal that may prey on the soft crab) as the crab ages, molting becomes more and more of a difficult feat to pull off, so if you purchase a larger crab it may be too weak to fend off larger predators OR it may run out of energy during the molt which makes them more vulnerable to creatures you would otherwise not have considered a threat before.
I think these Boxer crabs can hold their own very well in larger aquariums, but for the enjoyment of observation I opt for the smaller tanks now

like I said... my first Pom pom survived a varied aquarium lifestyle. Here are the conditions my first Pom survived
CASE 1: Lived in these conditions for 2.5 years
46 gal bow front
150 lbs liverock
2 inch sand/livesand
1 pair YWG/Tiger Pistol (both were young and under 1" when purchased, by 2.5 yr had maxed their size)
1 anemone with Porcelain crab combo
2 Emerald crabs (no larger than 1")
10 Hermits (evil things)
Plenty of snails variation of margarita, turbo, fighting conch
1 firefish (purchased under 1.25")
1 fireshrimp (small)
1 cleaner shrimp (small)
1 Valentini Puffer (purchased under 1.25" in length, by 2.5 was 2")
1 neon cleaner goby (blue)
CASE 2: Lived in these conditions for 1 year
30 gal nano
75 lbs liverock
1 inch sandbed
Porcelain combo from above
Valentini Puffer from above
8 hermits
all the old snails
all the shrimp
all other life for that aquarium was downgraded... then we sold that setup and I downgraded to
CASE 3: lived here the rest of her life which was about a little over half a year
3 gal mini
2 lb liverock
.5" sandbed
(most of the life in this tank was tiny soft corals and frogspawn.. I had tons of this stuff in my larger setup but never felt it posed any danger to my pom so I didn't list it) essentially she lived out her life in this tiny tank and eventually died of what I assume to be old age, the parameters in this small tank were fine, she was the only creature living there and I hand fed her daily. RIP crab
So anyway that was my side of the story.